Monday, February 7, 2022

My tumour looks like a head...

 


This seems to be a reoccurring theme--tumour looks like something other than a bog standard tumour. 


Not that I'm an expert on what tumours are supposed to look like, of course, (Google does have some suggestions though), but I'm pretty sure there are things they shouldn't look like...in my opinion..as an expert Tumour Incubator...


If you've checked out my previous post, you would've seen the creepy clown in my tumour. This noggin-ish image is from a different scan, and I think I almost find it even creepier...not sure why...maybe because it looks so realistic...so....well...head-like...


For some reason, I find myself thinking of the Headless Horseman...again, don't know why...I do know that I don't like it...not gonna lose my head over it though...not the one that's growing out of my shoulders, at least...


How can I put a positive spin on this...? Gonna have to dig deep here...um...it's good to have a spare...? (Or does that only apply to tyres? This thing is kinda like a spare tyre, of the unhelpful variety, given it's location.)


Let's try again... 


Perhaps I should be thankful I don't have to give birth to it...? 


It almost looks like it's asleep...? 


It doesn't appear to have any teeth...? 


It's not making eye contact...? (Imagine if it was winking...actually, let's not...I don't mind trees winking at me though. Scroll down to my Surgery or Exorcism? post for photographic evidence.)


That's all I got so far...if you have any suggestions, don't be shy..tumour humour is encouraged here...


Wait...I just thought of another positively positive positive!


Two heads are better than one...?:-) 


I'm sure Zaphod Beeblebrox would second that...or maybe he said it first...*rushes off to consult tattered copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, pausing to reread the sage advice on the back cover.*


Which leads to even more  rose-coloured questions to ponder...


Does a second head mean that I have a second brain...? 


I'm pretty sure I've heard some sciency peeps propose that idea before--that our gut has it's own control room. 


Does that therefore imply I may have double the IQ...? 


Hmmm...my tendency to be a complete dumbarse, seems to suggest otherwise...and for the record, Brain No.1 doesn't like what Brain No.2 is thinking/plotting. Perhaps it's my evil twin in there...in fact, Brain No.1 thinks Brain No.2 is a No.2...


Maybe there isn't a head or a clown in my tumour, but a shapeshifter, that does an impressive head/clown impersonation...what will it morph into next...


My guess is a gorgon...there's a reason I call it Medusa...


Always-look-on-the-fright-side-of-life...


Because sometimes, you just have to look these things in the eye... 


If only I could trick Medusa into looking herself in the eye...or maybe if I could just get my stoopid immune system to notice her. FFS. It really needs to pull its head out of the sand and face up to its problems, tackling them head on...it's a no-brainer...(Insert hitting head against brick wall emoji here.)


Please note, as aforementioned in my previous posts, I wouldn't poke fun at other people's tumours, just my own. I grew it all by myself and so therefore consider it fair game.


And, of course,  tumour talk aside, it's important to look at pictures of beautiful things too, like bugs! Woohoo!


Let's soothe ourselves by doing that now;




Oh, and I started another blog! Somewhere where I can tell as many cat stories as I want! Woohoo! And I've just posted a photo of a cat who also looks like he might have an extra head...


If you're curious;


https://catpolitics101.blogspot.com/


Or https://catpolitics101.blogspot.com/ If that link doesn't show up. Technical trouble. Sheesh.

Saturday, October 30, 2021

There's a creepy clown face in my tumour...

 

Here he is...in the flesh...



You can read all about IT in my previous post;


https://pinholesinthesky.blogspot.com/2021/07/surgeryorexorcism.html


Apologies for the image quality. 


What's *funny* is that I've been so fixated on Clown Features that I only just noticed a couple of days before posting this photo that there's actually another small face in the upper right hand side, in an organ that could possibly be my liver? FFS. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.


It is actually one of those trick images that can look like two different faces depending on your brain's interpretation. That's what my brain is telling me, at least. The top face looks a bit like Punch from the old Punch and Judy puppet show.


The second face, slightly below Punch, (Punch's nose becomes his forrid), has a rather long beard, so could be a dwarf from Lord of the Rings? A dwarf and a puppet vs a clown...how would that end?


NB: Don't worry, I do not think I am possessed and need an exorcism, I can just see the humour in this. I write horror comedy so this is rather fertile ground for me. I would prefer it if my body wasn't fertile ground for tumours, but hey.


As mentioned in my previous post, I also wouldn't crack jokes about anyone elses tumour, but I grew this one all by myself so I consider it fair game. Apologies if my attempts at humour offend anyone.


I've actually made a point of not watching reruns of Alien though, since I found out I had this tumour, so what do I get confronted by when I turned on the telly the other night? A clip from Alien...you know the one I'm talking about... Really wish I hadn't seen that episode...


Always look on the fright side of life...


Happy Halloween, everyone!


Saturday, July 3, 2021

Surgery...or...exorcism...?


Warning: Content may offend. The following post may not be your cup of tea. If your sense of humour hasn't lurched over to the dark side yet, you may want to nudge the back button. Some tumour humour is about to follow.  


Please note that I would only crack jokes about my own tumour, not anybody elses. I grew it all by myself, so I therefore consider it fair game. Plus I write comedy. Dark comedy, in more recent times... How could I not go there...especially given the circumstances... I'll poke the damn thing with a stick, if I want to...metaphorically, at least...


Are you still reading this...? Then don't say I didn't warn you...


I got a copy of my scan recently, so have been gazing in wonder, and confusion, at my insides. And in horror. There is a creepy clown face in my tumour. I'm not sure how I feel about this, other than - WTF???????????



Not a clown, or a tumour, but if the images google has shown me of the latter are anything to go by, there could be some similarities...


Since making this ominous discovery, all sorts of pertinent questions have been competing for my attention.


Is it just me...or is this a common phenomenon? Do a statistically significant number of tumours also harbour creepy clowns? Are the walls of the staff rooms of radiologists all over the world covered in the best of the best creepy clown images?


What about the people these tumours with not-so-funny faces are growing inside of? Do they swap stories, and photos, with other patients in private chat rooms? Or is it one of those uncomfortable facts of life that no one talks about? So much so, that oncologists never even tell their patients? You know, cos they don't want them to worry...


No one told me... I only know I have "clown issues", because I looked... I haven't inspected every image yet either, there's rather a lot of them, so there might be rather a lot of clowns...


I could really do with some face recognition software, so I can ascertain if it's just one buffoon pulling different faces, (I don't think it's Krusty), or a party of clowns taking turns, posing for the camera....


I have been known to refer to this mass that I have amassed as my RCE, or Rogue Cell Ensemble, which sounds slightly less scary than tumour, in my opinion, at least, but now I'm wondering if it's actually a Rogue Clown Ensemble...eek...



Perhaps next time I see the specialist I will ask if exorcism may be a more prudent, less invasive treatment than scalpel action. If he still recommends the big chop, I will have to ask some questionable questions.


How will he stop the creepy clown/clowns from jumping ship and starting a fresh circus act in an adjacent organ?


Will the theatre team swap their scrubs for clown outfits? Or will they wear costumes that represent the clowns' natural enemy? Do clowns have enemies...?


More importantly, if I opted for the other option, how does one exorcise a clown? Snap his braces, pull his hair...send him to the naughty chair? 


Would the person performing the exorcism skip around me, in oversized shoes, blowing one of those roll out party whistles, while wearing a paper hat? Maybe while also popping some balloons, shaking a tambourine, and chanting, Happy Turfday to you? Turf that clown right out of town... 


Or would they try and tickle the joker out with laughing gas? Laugh that clown right out of town... Or perhaps tie IT to some helium balloons...float that clown right out of town...


I know...they could circle me on a unicycle while juggling bottles of holy water... although maybe throwing garlic wreaths up into the air would be safer...yeah...that might work...this tumour is technically vampirish, a blood-sucking beast trying to drain the life out of me...



Is this a built-in drain, or are we staring into the abyss...?


I wonder what clown features name is...probably something nauseatingly syrupy and playful...something like... Candyfloss...Candyfloss...Candy--


Let's not go there... 


I probably shouldn't give him a name, should I...or give him oxygen...not sure how to avoid that at the mo though...tricky...but then, I think the proof of identity/extracting his real name thing might be the responsibility of Team Exorcism ...? Or maybe that's only how it works in the movies...


I didn't used to suffer from coulrophobia--the official term for a fear of clowns.  I have even dressed as a clown in my youth. Tis hard to not be nervous about this one though. 


Another uncomfortable question...what is he doing when not posing for photo shoots...? Hopefully not playing teacher ...nurturing those little clones at an exclusive clown school...or making balloon cthulhu's...wait...maybe the exorcism crew might make the balloon cthulhu's...maybe that would work...chase the evil clown out with an eviler entity...



Is it just me, or does this beached sea monster have a bit of a cthulhu vibe going on...?


According to wiki, exorcists can cast out a demon by commanding it to depart in the name of a higher power, so who is above a clown...guess that would be the ringmaster...


Although I'm thinking it would make more sense if the exorcist was dressed like a ringmaster, complete with handlebar moustache, top hat and tails, and he would be drawing the clown out further with every crack of his whip, before ceremoniously feeding the f**ker to the lions...hear Aslan ROAR...


Am I giving this too much thought? I always have had a vivid imagination. Not vivid enough to imagine that I would see a creepy clown face in my tumour in the first place though, just so you know.


Annoyingly, I can hear Ms Streisand's song playing on repeat inside my head...Send in the Clowns...how about, Send out the Clowns...out damn clowns, out...maybe the surgical team would be humming that tune too....and here's a thought...they could call the procedure Operation Clown...that would make an eye-catching title for a journal publication, wouldn't it...or Operation Circus...that's another contender...



The swirly bit in this picture reminds me of The Scream, by Edvard Munch, before the screamer covered their ears. Could be just another weird sea beastie with limpet-like tendencies, who had the misfortune to hitch-hike its way to a stranding, though. Hard to be sure about these things...


Okay...so that's how my thought processes proceeded initially...then I got suspicious... What if the clown is exogenous? What if the image has been photoshopped? It might be a stock photo...clip art...inserted by a radiologist with a twisted sense of humour...


Maybe it's my punishment for having the audacity to request my medical records... their way of jumping onboard the creepy clown phenomenon, making sure they get the last laugh...is that the sound of a radiologist sniggering, I can hear???? Maybe they have a google alert set up for, "Help! There's a clown in my tumour!"


Curiously enough, I found another alarming image on a different scan which may support this theory...the tumour looks like a human head...gulp...and there's still yet another scan I haven't...scanned...yet...who knows what might be lurking in that one...probably best not to give it too much thought...especially in the wee small hours when I should be sleeping...


It could be a sideshow slideshow in there...Chucky might be running amuck in my innards as well...egged on by a posse of blood thirsty deviant dolls...who are in cahoots with a ventriloquist's dummy... eek...those things really creep me out...I see a horror movie script writing itself...Fearground Attraction...


As Bart said, "Can't sleep, clown will eat me..."  I hear ya little 2d dude, I hear ya...


If it is a radiological prank, it's definitely sick joke territory. Just saying...


Far more likely, of course, that it's just a Rogue Pixel Ensemble, but imagine how disturbing it would be for someone who did believe in demons?



Nice flippers, Cthulhu-ish creature.


And yes, before you say it, I do know that the tendency we humans have of seeing faces in everything from clouds to toast is called Pareidolia. Wikipedia tells me that Pareidolia is actually used as an educational tool in radiology. Check this out;


"When viewing spinal radiographs, normal bony anatomic structures resemble the face of an owl. (The spinal pedicles resemble an owl's eyes and the spinous process resembles an owl's beak.) But when cancer erodes the bony spinal pedicle, the radiographic appearance changes such that now that eye of the owl seems missing or closed, which is called the "winking owl sign".


And part of the spine that looks like a Scotty dog, sometimes wears a collar, and then there's the bony bit that looks like Baby Yoda. Who would've thought. No mention of clowns though. But then tumours aren't a normal part of human anatomy, are they...


Pareidolia


Google also showed me a journal publication about a pituitary tumour that looked like Big Bird from Sesame Street.


And then there's the geode that looks like the Cookie Monster;


livescience.com


Where there any clowns in Sesame Street? My memory of the characters is a little sketchy...it's been a while...I think I would rather my tumour looked like Mr Snuffleupagus than this bozo though, or maybe even The Count...as long as he wasn't in there...you know...counting, "One tumour...two tumours...three--" Would make the one-wheeled cycle riding, bottled water juggling demon chaser a no brainer though, wouldn't it.


This article mentions an ultrasound that revealed a face in a man's testicle. Yikes;


BBC: Why do we see faces in objects?


This bit is fascinating;


"In the 1950s, the Bank of Canada had to withdraw a series of banknotes because a grinning devil leapt from the random curls of the Queen’s hair."


Good grief.


And if you're trying to think of a way to increase the amount of hours you spend looking at random sh*t on the internet, try googling, #iseefaces. I suggest you start here;


Twitter--Dr Beth Nichols


A universe in a blade of grass...


Some more noteworthy sites;


50-faces-in-everyday-places


And this National Geographic blog has a cliff that looks like one of Tolkien’s dwarves. Nice;


Word of the week--pareidolia


And more reddit;


Pareidolia


But you don't even need to leave this blog to indulge in some face spotting.


If you scroll back up to the first photo of cthulhu features, you might see an old man wearing one of those slouchy, windsockish style hats in the top left-hand side of the image. He has a rather long beard with a bird's nest in it, one of those fully enclosed nests with a small birdie sized entrance. How cute is that. 


Then, if you turn the image on it's side, there's a beastie with a trunk! More than one actually, it's a very busy photo. Lots to see, if you know where to look...



RIP, ocean entity. I may have to honor you with a Hi-ho Holly-o Sea Shanty. Never actually written one before, but if I can write shit poetry, I think it's not too much of a stretch to hope I can write a not-as-shitty sea ditty...(try saying that ten times in a row)...watch this space...or perhaps...stay tuned!


Returning to the exogenous vs endogenous issue, I realise that by publicly stating that I have an inner clown--a sinister one--that I am playing right into the Biopsychosocial (BPS) crowd's hands...that whole cancer personality industry that makes my blood boil...


I can see the elaborate hypotheses reproducing themselves, clumping together, forming a malignant mass already; suspected childhood trauma...must have been laughed at as a child...probably at other children's birthday parties...resulting in a repressed fear of fun...or maybe she was teased...her nose is kinda red...all of this negativity manifesting as...drum roll...The Cancer Clown!


Could explain my aversion to polkadots, I guess... Actually, at the tender age of five, while walking home from school, some older kids did call me short stuff and ask if I got shrunk in the washing machine...maybe that was the inciting incident...their cruel laughter might be what my cells remember...


No doubt the BPS brigade would recommend some positive affirmations that I could tape to my mirror, to help me learn to embrace my inner clown...perhaps something like, "Laughter is the best medicine..." 


They might suggest I change my theme song to, Funny face, I Love You...  They would probably also propose laughter therapy to help me heal...so I can...you know...turn that clown frown upside down... Or tell me to stand on a piece of paper and yell stop!...to stop "doing" my tumour. Yeah...that's bound to work...now where did I put that bucket...


Let's pause for a moment to soothe ourselves with a picture of a winking tree;




At least I hope this tree is winking, and hasn't had his eye pecked out by a...a...a wood pecking bird...it's not like the poor tree could run, even if there was still time, to escape a calculated attack by a vindictive avian assailant...how cruel...the tree is just a sitting duck...for a birdie to pluck...out more than just bark...gee, this poem is dark...


Maybe the tree was about to open its mouth to plead for help, and the thoughtless camerawoman just misinterpreted that chance to listen to the plight of a well and truly rooted vulnerable target, as a mere photo opportunity...I hear ya, not-so-little 3d tree, I hear ya...admittedly belatedly...sorry about that...


But then again, maybe the tree just has a bit of dirt in its eye...I can see how that would be a plausible environmental hazard...but wait...maybe the tree only ever had a single eye...like a Cyclops...but not really like one at all...or perhaps it takes time for a tree to grow a second eye...they do tend to function on a slower schedule compared to us, don't they...if only I could do that time lapse photography thing to spy on its eye... gosh...so many possibilities...


Now...where were we...?


I bet I know what you are thinking...what was I thinking posting this outrageous anecdote without providing you, dear reader, with photographic evidence...yes, well, sorry about that, I realise how annoying it must be, it's just that I had what I thought was a cunning plan, and I'm still in the denial stage, hoping that my plan might magically come to fruition.


I was initially thinking of posting the photo on Reddit's r/creepy, purely for the amusement of others, but then I read an article in the dailymail about a baby ultrasound image that looked like a demon, and I wondered if I could sell my clown...for enough balloons to fly me over the ocean to a country where I could have some fancy pancy treatment that I can't get here in little ole NZ...


Deluded, I know...
But I can't let go...
Of those balloons that will fly...
My tumour and I...
And the clown that resides...
In my dodgy insides...
Across the big blue sea...
To another country...
Where I can get medication...
To blast this abomination...


As one of my favourite actors, Tim Roth, so eloquently put it;

"Yeah, well, good luck with that." --Jack, Tin Star


If my appalling attempt at poetry made you cringe, then rest assured you are not alone...if my circumstances were different, I would probably have the self respect to delete it, but sharing one's body with a rogue tumour kinda changes your perspective on what's important...ya know...


Anyway, I feel the need to acknowledge how lucky I am to be living in a country where Covid isn't rampant yet, because I'm pretty sure I'd be down under by now if things were different...it's so sad to see what is happening around the world...my condolences to all those who are suffering because of the pandemic...


I may update this post with a photo at a later stage, when I come to my senses, but for now I just need to get this clown off my chest... I have kindly uploaded a picky of a cloud demon as a substitute for the time being...enjoy...




My, what a big nose you have, sky overlord.


If you have the stomach for it, here's another poem, just for fun;


In my innards there's a clown
His smile makes me frown
He's living in my tumour
Tis hard to find the humour
No cause for celebration
I need some clown chelation
The jester needs to repent
and get the F out of my tent
For my body to ever mend
His party needs to end
This Bozo has to go
Please cancel his sh*t show
A permanent lockdown
Curtains for the clown
Can someone please burst his bubble
If it isn't too much trouble
Without spreading his creepy face
All over the god damn place
Don't want this clown to clone
Himself in another zone
If he finds a way to spawn
A circus will be born
Please form a tight bunch
And deck Mr Punch
Out damn clown, out
You rainbow-haired lout!


Wait! Lightbulb moment! Maybe that's the answer! Bad poetry! Delivered by...drum roll...Vogons! But of course. I reckon a few verses from them would send the clown packing...better dust off my Hitchhiker's Guide, and get my trusty towel ready...if only...


Yeah, I know, I should probably quit clowning around, but I can't run away from this, so I thought I'd pun away instead...


If you know anyone who wants to buy an original clown portrait, (not autographed though, sorry, at least...I don't think it is...hmmmm...I may have to zoom in and report back...), please comment below. Haven't set a reserve yet, but all offers considered. Bidding wars also welcomed. 


And feel free to comment if there are any punfare opportunities I have missed. Bound to be a few. Just an amateur comedian, ya know.  Only ever likely to be remembered posthumorously, if at all...or maybe posttumourously...ha...that possibly only works as a private joke...but anyway, put your best pun forward. I dare ya.


And if, heaven forbid, you have found a clown in your innards too, I'd love to hear from you! And if there are any radiologists out there with an inside scoop...


May take me a while to respond, sorry, because I'm...you know...up to my neck in tumour trouble, hopefully just metaphorically...



Looks like you picked a fight with the wrong cloud, Mr Seagull. I'd fly while there's still time if I were you.


On another curious note, I only just saw It...the movie...interesting... As much as I would like to avoid the sewerage system, this clown is pretty close to my own private sewerage system...can't really steer clear of that one...what do I do about that, tricky...




I hope that malevolent cloud up above didn't vaporise that poor seagull...if so, he looks happy though...free as a bird...there is that...



If only my tumour looked more like a tuber than a clown...I think that would be less traumatic...but potatoes are my favourite food, so maybe not...





I have spent some time pondering a one liner that could best summarise what the future has in store for me. Easier than I would prefer...if my RCE is cancer, a number of phrases spring to mind...


Headed for the big chop.

The screen before game over.


I can't stop there though, it's too much fun...really quite addictive...plus I am a tautologist by trade...(and did I mention my, I Might Have Cancer Card?), and basically, I just can't help myself... oh look...there's another one;

I just can't help myself.


...so I will still do my own thing...oh look...there's another;

Still doing my own thing.


And let's not stop there;

Hoping there is an afterlife.

Hoping the afterlife isn't Hell.

Putting the grin in grim.


Some insect inspired responses, because bugs are beautiful and it would be a sin for me to not mention them in a post;

Bug obsessed til I croak.

Waiting to meet the worms.

Hoping the afterlife has insects. (If not, starting a petition.)


And;

Googling "DIY  mushroom burial suit."

Because I don't think these clever creations are available in this neck of the woods yet. Sigh. 


Some musically minded answers;

Refusing to Fear the Reaper.

Deciding what to throw away.

Accepting I can never leave.


And because this classic is another one of my theme songs;

On the road to Nowhere.

And subsequently;

Contemplating the meaning of Nowhere.


But if by some fluke there is an afterlife, then I guess I'd be;

On the road to Somewhere.

And subsequently;

Contemplating the meaning of Somewhere.


But because I'm not in a hurry to get Nowhere, or Somewhere anytime soon;

Hoping the road is long.


Provided, of course that it's not long and torturous, quality of life is key, imo. And because I'm not done yet;

Rogue cell ensemble goes rogue.

Down under in Down Under.

Scanning the sky for Vogons.


And; 

Wondering, what would Gandalf do...?

Wondering how to summon Gandalf...

Wishing I lived in Hobbiton.


And to give this post a warm fuzzy full circle feel;

Trying to unjoin the circus.

Or;

Running away from the circus. (Not sure which of those I like best but my inner tautologist insisted I include both so you can decide.)

Not getting the last laugh. 

Couldn't sleep, clown ate me.

One tumour...two tumours...three--


But don't hit the back button just yet...saving the best for last, as you do;

Taken down by a clown...



Wednesday, January 27, 2021

The Prince of Leaves

 


I published this humorous fantasy ebook ages ago now, and finished the sequel Bogwood, last year. I need to get busy with my Bucket List for reasons I will divulge some other time, so it's a relief I can finally cross something off. Yay.



The blurbs;


Book one: The Prince of Leaves


It is time for Prince Cleo to leave home, to venture beyond the safety of Gillip Kingdom, in search of his inner barbarian. What could possibly go wrong when he has a kick-ass damsel as his chaperone? But will her gift of the gab be a sharp enough weapon to keep the gentle prince safe from the many adversaries they encounter along the way? Or will her smart mouth and over confidence make them both easy targets? 

A playful narrative with a warm romantic undercurrent, The Prince of Leaves celebrates introverts, and challenges gender stereotypes. It is the first book in a humorous fantasy series.


Book two: Bogwood


A wilted warlock who needs to sacrifice a virgin prince to restore his evil powers, finally makes his move. The Sex Fairy is not impressed. She has some moves of her own, and launches an intervention. 

Will gentle Prince Cleo lose his life, or his virginity? Or will he neither get sacrificed, nor laid, finding another way out of an awkward situation?

Maybe the balloony fellow in a kilt can keep Cleo safe from the warlock's clutches. Or perhaps Celia's built-in weapons and hair braiding skills will weave their own magic...


Both ebooks can now also be purchased in one volume from my amazon author's page;

https://www.amazon.com/author/hollygreen

As with all of my kindle publications, you can read a free sample on the amazon page to see if it might be your cup of tea. 

As you may have noticed, there is a stick insect--or sticky, as I affectionately call them--on the cover of both books...the photogenic star of this runway shoot;

https://pinholesinthesky.blogspot.com/2012/04/stick-insect-central.html?m=0

How could I not make him my cover model...he knew how to strike a pose! Perfection! 



Friday, March 13, 2020

Chewing the Fat with a Cannibal



A quake story you can really sink your teeth into;







Introducing my most outrageous work yet...still can't believe I wrote this...what can I say, other than that my sense of humour went over to the dark side post quake...a basic survival tool...what I had to do, to get thru.

If you're a horror comedy fan;

The blurb;

Chewing the Fat with a Cannibal

A recipe for disaster, of the unnatural kind…

After a massive earthquake decimates her city, a lonely spinster distracts herself from the frequent aftershocks and the inconvenience of having to shit into a bucket, by chatting to someone she meets on a dating website, a gentle man who appears to share both her love of bugs, and her dark sense of humour.

As their friendship deepens, she decides to throw caution to the wind and accept this intriguing stranger’s offer of refuge at his hand-built, self-sufficient, eco-sanctuary—complete with turret, outdoor pizza oven, rambling organic garden, and flushing toilet. 

She makes the mistake of thinking, I’m living in mid-apocalyptic central city Christchurch…how could things possibly be any worse?

A reminder of the dangers of both online dating and positive thinking, especially when the two are unwisely combined, this horror comedy will make you think twice before striking up a conversation with a stranger on the internet…

My author page;



Sunday, September 3, 2017

Things you should never ask a pharmacist.





Had an...erm...awkward conversation recently. I asked a pharmacist if he had any pea based powder. He said, "Pardon?" 

This didn't surprise me, as I often have to repeat myself. I'm prone to mumbling. I get told off a lot for doing this. 

I said it again, hoping my attempt to speak properly would be well received. It wasn't. He replied, "I'm not quite sure what you mean..." 

I noticed the strange intonations in his voice, but still didn't click straight away, because I was actually in quite a bit of pain at the time, and trying not to wince. 

Then I got it. Oh dear. He thought I meant, "P." In case you are from another country, where I live, "P" is the common name for meth. Or crystal meth. Or Ice. Or methamphetamine. That drug they manufacture on Breaking Bad.




Hardly surprising then that asking a pharmacist for some "P" based powder was likely to raise a few eyebrows... 

Once I realised my mistake, I explained that I meant p-e-a, as in the legume, those dear little nutritious green parcels that the princess couldn't sleep on. 

Actually, I didn't mention the fairy tale reference, I was way too mortified to think of anything humorous to say at the time. Especially since it's my local pharmacy and I go there a lot. 

Not everyone can embarrass themselves as easily, and as frequently, as I do. It's a special skill. Lucky me.

Of course, "p" is also for perfection, and what better way to illustrate that than with a picky of a phantastically photogenic phasmid;


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Swimming With Spiders

I'm wondering if swimming with spiders will be the next big thing. Surely swimming with dolphins must be getting a bit old by now?



I have seen spiders on the surface of a pond before, but it was news to me that there are actually water spiders who dive into the water to hunt fish and frogs. Good grief. 

I'm not sure I want to picture them doing this, but I have already. Apparently, some water spiders come in giant size, as big as a person's head. Yikes.

I do like spiders. If you've been to this blog before, you will probably already know that. I've even posted some homemade spider movies on my youtube channel. 

I'm still not sure I would want to go swimming with them though. And not just because I can't swim. Not well, anyway. 

I'm wondering if the spider at the top of this post decided he wanted to go for a swim in my laundry tub. 

I assumed not, which is why I endeavoured to rescue him. He endeavoured to resist my rescue attempts, which significantly hindered progress. 

His raised his front legs, not in an, "Oh I so need a hug! Why, thank you, big friendly giant for offering to pick me up," but more in a, "Come any closer and you die," kind of way. It's all about body language, isn't it. And knowing how to read it. 

He did quite a good scary spider impression, which persuaded me to proceed with caution. 

His attack modes operandi was an understandable reaction, of course, given my size, and his vulnerability. I'm pleased to announce that I won the battle. 

A bite-free bug relocation operation was successfully implemented. Isn't he handsome! I believe he is a Tunnelweb Spider, and possibly a female one;

http://collections.tepapa.govt.nz/Topic/9426

There has been an interesting assortment of critters requiring rescuing from my laundry tub lately. I'm not sure what the tub attraction is, but you will be relieved to know that I check it regularly so no bug has to perish when they can't get out again.

One day I found this adorable baby weta in there;




Then recently, this praying mantis;




And here's another photo from a different angle because I couldn't decide which one to upload, so I decided not to decide and just post both;




I know this post rescue photo is a bit blurry, but I like the way the praying mantis is staring at me, and this is my blog, so if you object to blurry photos, I suggest you look away now;




I found a large furry spider in there recently too, but there was no time to do a photo shoot. Another difficult customer, that one. Sheesh.

Some spiders I can happily pick up with my hands. This one was just not that kind of spider. Like the other eight-legged beastie up above. Grumpy.

I wouldn't dare pluck this furry creature out of the laundry tub either;




He's a bit moody at times too, and likes to make his own decisions about where he wants to be. I'm pretty sure he didn't need my assistance, anyway. Unless he actually wanted to take a bath...